I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
