I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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