im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
