my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
