There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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