Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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