What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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