this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
