How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
