i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
