Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
