well I can't set my house on fire every night
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
