then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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