FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
