I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
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I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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