Don't make out with my wife yet
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
love makes seman taste better
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is