I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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