If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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