do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
