We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
