i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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