just come out here and I will go home with you...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
