Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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