I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
