This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
