I faked an abortion last night.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
