if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it