Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
You smell like a Billy Joel song
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i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
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"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.