So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.