I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
