my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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