How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
