Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
