my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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