am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
