Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
