just tell him i said nine months
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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