I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
