I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
