Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
