no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
