I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
