I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
