all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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