mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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