Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
