You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
