I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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