I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
