I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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