"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
