I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
