....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
sex in a hospital.. check
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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