yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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